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Brent Mooseburger, Alaskan Pentecostal sports reporter, has been selected, much to his surprise, by God Our Heavenly Father as the man to channel Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin’s messages to the American people, since neither she nor God trust the elite media. In this almost-daily blog, Mr. Mooseburger will decode Palin’s prophecies for a nu-clear age. Reader responses are not welcome, unless you show the proper respect and deference.
Boy, it sure has been a whirlwind week. Did you see my convention speech? I’m just glad that after being passed around like a hot potato in front of 20,000 screaming Republicans that baby Trig didn’t barf on Cindy McCain’s $300,000 outfit! I was on a superhigh after the convention, but the elite media—you know, like Us Weekly—went and spoiled it all by attacking me and my family.
So, after we got back home for a little downtime, I was out in the yard at the governor’s mansion here in Juneau, talking to the First Dude, Todd. He’s got the snowmobile up on blocks and he’s down there workin’ on the engine and I said, “Boy, it really bugs me how those arugula-nibbling Democrats and the elite media think my experience as a small-town mayor doesn’t qualify me to be the leader of the free world.”
Todd just grunted.
“When John McCain and me are elected, we’re gonna bring small-town American values to the White House,” I said.
And he said, “That’s a good idea, Sarah Bear.” (That’s one of his nicknames for me, but not Bear like a grizzly bear, which we have lots of up here, but Sarah Bear as in short for Sarah Barracuda, which was my nickname when I played high school basketball.)
Then I got this idea. “Hey,” I said, “you know what John McCain and me are gonna do when we get elected? We’re gonna surround ourselves with small town folks, not those city slicker New Yorker types without any values. You know, the firefighters and police officers and paramedics and office types who died tryin’ to save the lives of their fellow citizens when the towers burned down? Nope. In fact, we’re gonna fill our entire cabinet with the citizens of the most famous small-town in America. Mayberry. Yup, yup.”
Todd thought it was a great idea! He thought Andy Taylor would be great to run Homeland Security. I wasn’t so sure, though. For one thing, what kinda man won’t carry a firearm, for goodness sakes? I don’t know, Andy just always struck me as kind of a pantywaist. But Todd said we could have Levi back him up. F— with him, he’ll kick your a–. (That’s a quote. I wouldn’t talk trash.)
But Barney Fife, now there’s your Secretary of Defense right there. You think Putin woulda invaded Georgia if the shakiest gun in the west was waitin’ for him out on Main Street? Nope. Barney woulda nipped that little fracas in the bud. Yup, yup. And we wouldn’t make you keep your bullets in your pocket neither, Barn. Lock and load, Barney, lock and load.
I told me and Todd’s big idea to John McCain, and he sounded pretty excited about it. He’d nominate Otis to run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. I think there’s a special kind of kinship there between those two. I mean, they both lived in a cell for awhile, right? Yup, yup. Just imagine if Otis had been in charge of that whole Branch Davidian fiasco. Just when the Bureau was about to lose their patience and move in, here comes Otis, drunk and riding a cow up to the front door. It would have diffused the whole thing right there! Gomer could be our Transportation Secretary and Helen Crump for Secretary of Education, of course, and Opie could be Director of FEMA. What the heck, he’s got as much qualifications as Michael Brown. Yup. Heckuva job, Opie!
And how about Aunt Bee for Secretary of State? Is there an international crisis that couldn’t be solved with one of Aunt Bee’s pecan pies? I don’t think so. And if anything happens to John McCain, God forbid, and I have to step in and become the President, God willing, I’d appoint Floyd the Barber to be my V.P. Hey, as owner/operator of his own business, he’s got executive experience.
And why stop at Mayberry? There are plenty of famous small-town folks with the values, expertise and homespun wisdom this country needs. For instance, how about Oliver Douglas from Green Acres? He could come over and be Agriculture Secretary AND Attorney General. And he could bring Arnold the Pig with him too. Who better to help me and John McCain cut out all those pork projects? And just imagine Jed Clampett as Energy Secretary. You need more oil? Just send Jed out to shoot at some food!
After talking about it all day, Todd said to me, “Sarah, you realize that these are all just fictional characters, right?”
My answer to that? What’s the diff? I mean, everything that’s coming out of our campaign is fictional, and people are eatin’ it up! Who cares about all that boring policy stuff anyway? Like Rick Davis, our campaign manager says, this campaign’s not about issues, it’s about personalities. And have I got one of those!
So what do you think? Pretty great, huh? I mean, Goober’s been running the country for the last eight years and that’s worked out pretty great, don’t ya think? Now the whole world hates us, so we
showed them! Yup, yup.
The Palin Prophecies
Yup! Yup! Nuckin Futs!
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The Palin Prophecies are archived at www.thepalinprophecies.com. KenArnoldBooks will be publishing Brent Mooseburger’s messages as he channels them. His inspirational messages will be collected into an ebook sometime in October and published by KenArnoldBooks on Amazon Kindle. Entries are copyrighted by KenArnoldBooks, LLC.
