I want to tell you all a story about a Matanuska Valley hockey mom
Who had a teenage daughter who Levi thought was just the bomb.
Well her daughter came home one afternoon and didn’t even stop to play.
She said, “Mom, I got a note here from the Matanuska Valley PTA.”
The note said, “Mrs. Palin, you’ve been spotted with this church that’s pretty scary,
Tryin’ to ban some books out of the Wasilla Public Library.
Now these books all seem to have somethin’ to do with people who are gay,
But bannin’ books isn’t somethin’ we do here at the Matanuska Valley PTA.”
Well it happened that the PTA was gonna meet that very afternoon.
They were surprised when Mrs. Palin wore her bee-hive into that room,
And as she walked up to the blackboard, I still recall the words she had to say.
She said, “I’d like to address this meeting of the Matanuska Valley PTA”
Well every eye in the room was on the hockey mom’s bouffant hair
As she announced to the PTA that she was gonna run for Mayor.
And when she got elected, the hockey mom brought revolution:
No more would teachers in that town be teachin’ evil-ution.
And some of the folks in Wasilla, well they soon were throwin’ fits
‘Cause as Mayor, Mrs. Palin charged rape victims for their own rape kits,
And it wasn’t long before the citizens began to rue the day
They let this pitbull hockey mom address the Matanuska Valley PTA.
Then the governor, Frank Murkowski, got into trouble with his gov’ner’s jet.
It seemed he treated the entire state as if it were his pet.
So the hockey mom stood up to him and sent his friends to stir.
And when Pastor Muthee laid his hands on her, she became the Governor
They moved into the mansion, the hockey mom and teeming brood.
There was Bristol, Willow, Piper, Track, and her husband, The First Dude
That fancy jet of old Murkowski’s, she put it on eBay.
It didn’t sell, but what the hell, it sounded good to say.
Her buddy, old Ted Stevens, offered a bridge that went nowhere.
“Thanks, but no thanks,” she said she said (as if we really care),
And everyone who crossed her, they suffered the same fate:
Got smeared and then got fired, ‘causin’ a scandal they call Troopergate.
By day she hunted moose, and wolves, she shot them from the air.
She vowed to build a pipeline, and make extinct the polar bear.
And every night up in Alaska, as the citizens laid down their sleepy heads,
They slept peaceful knowin’ Sarah was watchin’ if Putin reared his head.
One day Bristol came runnin’ home from school, she looked like she would cry.
She said, “Mama, someone couldn’t keep it in his jeans, and yes, I mean Levi.
You know when abstinence doesn’t work, what do they call that situation?
I wish you’d tell me, ‘cause I have no clue, since you cut funding for sex education.”
But none of this mattered to that Maverick, Senator John McCain.
He called up Mrs. Palin, and spoke in talk both straight and plain.
The Maverick said he wanted Lieberman or Mitt, but those boys didn’t rate.
The Maverick needed a woman, and she became his second or third mate.
Soon as they met the hockey mom, all the Republicans could do was grin,
Until Charlie Gibson asked her all about the pesky Bush Doctrine.
Suddenly the whole idea of her as V.P. seemed too gnarly,
‘Cause all she could think of to reply was, “In what respect there, Charlie?”
And then the gotcha media started askin’ gotcha questions to her face,
And Mrs. Palin couldn’t even name one Supreme Court case,
They pushed her and they prodded her for information they seemed to need
And asked if she could name just one newspaper she could read.
The elitists cried, “She’s unqualified!” But the Maverick said, “Quit grousin’
She was Governor, and before that Mayor of a town of better than six-thousan’.
And before she was the mayor or Gov,” the Maverick went on to say,
“She was a member in good standing of the Matanuska Valley PTA.”
Then came the debate with old Joe Biden, who went on the attack,
But he was surprised when Mrs. Palin turned into someone called Joe Sixpack
She debated just like Kennedy, or maybe old Abe Lincoln,
Only instead of recitin’ facts and stuff, she spent her time a-winkin’.
And then on the stump she gave a speech that was gut-wrenchin’.
She whipped the mob into a roar, till they were ready for a lynchin’.
She did everything but personally hand out white hoods and nooses.
She called Obama a terrorist, a celebrity who wouldn’t shoot at mooses.
“What happens next?” the people asked, after she caused this uproar.
“To get elected, Governor, would you start a nasty racial war?”
The hockey mom just smiled and said, “If winnin’ is what that gets ya,
Then you’re darn right I’ll sink into the muck, to protect America, you betcha.”
The mob said, “What’ll we do with this traitor who lives on Capitol Hill?”
And the hockey mom said with a smile, “Doggone, the chant’s ‘Kill, baby, kill!’”
So the lynch mob stormed off to get the terrorist she portrayed
And whatever happened next, she shrugged, was not for her to say.
And so it was this hockey mom Joe Sixpack saved your mama
From that secret Muslim terrorist’s pal Barack Hussein Obama.
“Yippy ki yi yay!” America sang, “Mrs. Palin, you’ve saved the day!
And who’d believe this maverick got her start at the Matanuska Valley PTA?”
And who’d believe this maverick got her start at the Matanuska Valley PTA?
